Dear John,
I wanted to ask your opinion on being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I fell in love with a man before realizing that’s what he is. Now, because of his drinking, I am about ready to move on. He is a good man: generous, kind, creative, industrious, open, encouraging, never critical or harsh to me. Except for his prodigious alcohol consumption, he also takes good care of himself.
For my sake, he periodically tries to cut down on his drinking, but it’s never too long before he’s drunk (though never sloppily so) all day and well into the night. Although he already has one DUI, he refuses to go to AA, claiming he doesn’t have a problem. Though I’d like to deepen our relationship by moving in with him (or marrying him, which is what he wants), my gut is telling me to just break it off with him. Your thoughts?
Binding your life to this man’s life would be like chaining an anvil to your leg and leaping off a boat: down you’d go, into the drink. For the object of your affection has, alas, already found his one true love, and she comes in a bottle. And there’s nothing you or anyone but he can ever do to alter his abiding, profound and tragic relationship with the mistress he finds so irresistibly intoxicating.
Sigh. What a drag, when someone you love is caught in the clutches of addiction. It’s so painful.
But you cannot let his pain become yours. If you marry this guy, one of two things is guaranteed to happen to you. You will either start drinking right along with him, or you will become his codependent — his enabler, his facilitator, his crutch.
Either way, you drown.
And either way, by the way, he floats. Not to in any way belittle or minimize the quality of the relationship you have with this man, but it’s not exactly a surprise that he’s eager to marry you. Every alcoholic is thrilled by the prospect of marrying a nonalcoholic. Because then they know they’ll have someone to take care of them, to keep their life in order and humming along, to tend to all those pesky responsibilities, obligations and chores that one finds so impossibly taxing when one is busy curling up inside a glass.
Mothering a man who can’t be a husband is no way to spend your life. Run away!
Except don’t, really. Do not make the mistake of feeling that you’re stuck between the two choices of marrying this man and removing him from your life. Don’t forget what’s behind door No. 3: Keeping him as a friend. Just because he isn’t marriage material doesn’t mean he’s not friend material. There’s no law that says you have to marry every man whose company you enjoy keeping, is there?
Think of him as your favorite bathrobe. Great to wear? You betcha. Want to wear it all the time? Hell no.
Send your question to John@JohnShore.com—or use our Contact form. (Letters may be edited for brevity or clarity, and will be published anonymously.)
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I am currently dating an alcoholic. We have spent 11 months fighting about alcohol. After multiple binge drinking episodes that caused him serious safety issues, he has decided to doesn’t want to be with me anymore after I placed some boundries.
A couple of weeks ago we cancelled a lease we got together. The day the lease was supposed to start he ended up having a terrible binge episode that left me having to place the boundaries.
My ex has had 2 DUI’s, lost his job, and admitted to blacking out and driving.
Now that he wants out of the relationship, I find myself incredibly mad that I stuck it out with him during the worst of situations.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the only reason he wants to leave is due to his love for alcohol. We have some communication problems. Those could have been fixed, the alcohol can’t be unless he wants help.
Now that we are about ready to end of the relationship, would it still be helpful for me to go to Alon meeting?
Btw I wish I had found the article about 8 months earlier. Its the one thing that helped me find clarity in all of this mess.
Thanks for all of your insights.
Hi, Kirsten. I’m so, SO sorry it’s taken me this long to respond to this very moving letter from you. I don’t see any particular reason for you to go to Al-Anon; if you’re breaking up with this man (and, frankly, you must), then … what would be the point.
But, obviously, it couldn’t do you any harm to go, that’s for sure. Generally speaking, in fact, I actually think everyone should go to Al-Anon meetings, because we all know–to a very profound degree, we all ARE–people prone to fostering co-dependent relationships with those whom we love and we know love us.
But … anyway, sorry to hear that someone you love loves the bottle more than he’s capable of loving you. That’s the worst.
My ex boyfriend was ten years sober. We had been living together, had a two uear old and let me just share that it was very difficult living with him. A distant, unconnected relationship where I was constantly blamed for causing him to be unhappy. He had a hard time connecting, intimacy was an issue, he seemed to crave women’s attention, he seemed depressed, always complaining that we didn’t do anything but would initiate plans. I would cry myself to sleep many nights. He eventually lost his job and used losing his job to move out of state. He gave me a week’s notice and then he was gone, no kiss goodbye, no embrace – I received a text. I told him that if he left we would end because I can’t handle long distance relationships and he wasn’t sure when he would return. He was oblivious to my pain, said I was being over dramatic. So i’m raising my little love, moving forward, and putting it all behind me. Al I can say is, while I am sure there are alot of good hearted recovering alcoholics, I think it’s best not to start dating one. You will have a difficult and lonely life ahead.
Wow. That is a really sad story, Julie. Your ex sounds like a … well, terrible person. So sorry you had to suffer him.
There are many great comments here, but as the child of an alcoholic I’d like to add something. If marriage to you means having kids, then be very careful. My childhood was really horrible in many ways because of my father’s drinking. Active alcoholics do not make good fathers. My dad was abusive and mean. Alcoholic parents create lifelong emotional problems for their children. Lots of therapy helped me, but I see so many struggle because of their damaged childhoods. I’m 61, but there are still issues I struggle with. (Now, recovering alcoholics are a different story.)
Yes. A wonderful contribution. Thank you, Debbie.
I am a long-time girlfriend of an alcoholic, so maybe it will be helpful to share my experiences. I have also struggled with whether or not to leave him, and what I have discovered is that you won’t be able to make any big decisions until you are ready. I strongly suggest trying an Al-Anon meeting, because if you give it enough time, the program will help you learn how to prioritize what is healthy for you, whether that means breaking up or setting healthy boundaries. For me it has looked like asking my boyfriend to move out, and I can honestly say the decision was the first one I have made in a long time that brought me true peace, because it was for my own benefit, and that is how I know it was the right one.
Thanks for this, Tiffani. I really appreciate this perspective.
I find the answers to this article the most honest I have ever read. Never does anyone say leave. Alanon,yes please help yourself. Leaving never seemed to be an option given. I know it is the only way. For me.
Yeah, I agree with you: the responses to this letter have been kind of remarkable. As was yours, actually. It’s quite inspiring, and touching.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I just want you to know that my mother who was a loving woman, was so busy taking care of my alcoholic father, that I was neglected. Then apparently she decided if you can’t fight ’em, join ’em. And I was even more neglected. I then went on to marry an alcoholic. It is a disease, and you are not a doctor. He will not change. You can not fix him. Go to an Al-anon meeting, and talk to them!
Many people would say stay away from him however you must consider twice before you give up since alcoholism is an illness rather than a fashion how would you feel if he gave up on you just because you have cancer?. Be honest dont ask for love in the future if you are not capable of giving love.
Such a truly unhelpful answer.
Yikes, Jennifer. That might be just a little harsh, don’t you think?
Jennifer, it isn’t the same. It really isn’t. Most people who have cancer want to get better. Not all alcoholics want to get better. And being a co-dependent makes it worse.
Nailed it. Good job, Jackie. And thank you for your outstanding comment above. It’s perfect.
It may be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do for love, but the faster he gets to his bottom, the sooner recovery can begin. You might not get to spend the rest of your life with him, but he’ll more likely survive the addiction. Experience talking.
Yeah, that’s … true. So painfully true.
Listen to John Shore. Addiction killed everyone in my family. My mother never gave up on my father and brother and her cigarettes finally got her. I admire her greatly, but disagree with her decision. She should have left my father when I was in grade school. Now, I’m the only one left standing. It is great to be a caregiver but that is not love. Everyone deserves love. And you are condemning your future family to the risk of alcoholism themselves, and a miserable and potentially abusive existence. They will do everything in their power to escape it and they will blame and hate you for it.
Wow. That’s … basically the whole deal, right there. Thanks, John.
run, run like the wind. save yourself.
Yeah, I mean, that could have been the whole of my response to her: “Save yourself.” That pretty much says it all.
Take it from someone who knows he drinks too much (says I while I gulp down my wine at lunch): over-drinking is just a SYMPTOM of an underlying PROBLEM. Cut down on the drinking, and the problem will simply manifest itself in other ways. Your BF needs to deal with the root cause of his drinking (in my case it’s loneliness and low self-worth, which I’m working on). If he doesn’t, things will only get worse. Much love to both you and your BF – sounds like difficult choices ahead for both of you.
If you’re an alcoholic, you’ve got a DISEASE. Your loneliness and low self esteem are symptoms of that disease. You and our friend’s BF need to deal with t he root cause of the drinking by putting the plug in the jug once and for all and leave it there, one day at a time. Something tells me you’ve heard this before. Cutting down on the drinking will likely wind up in a great big binge any second now. An alcoholic cannot control their drinking, although they are experts at fooling themselves into thinking they can. How do I know this? I am one. Sober now for 38 yrs with the help of 12 step programs. Speaking of which … girlfriend of alcoholic boyfriend might benefit from Alanon. Mark: you can work all you want on your so called root causes, but, if you’re alcoholic, you’re wasting your time. You will get blasted and you will blow it again. Try an AA meeting.
I think we have to acknowledge a place for someone who too often drinks too much–but who isn’t an alcoholic, in that sort of organic, disease-indicated way that you’re speaking of. If Mark says that he understands that he drinks in response to his feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem, I see no reason to doubt him. I know quite a few people who’ve quit or dramatically cut down on their drinking once they dealt with the underlying emotional causes which essentially triggered their drinking. All that said, though, you’re certainly right: someone who drinks too much can never go wrong first and foremost putting, as you say, a plug in the jug.
I really appreciate this kind and honest response. Thanks, Mark.
Whether or not this woman stays with the alcoholic, I recommend she get herself to an An-Anon meeting. She is not alone in loving an alcoholic or in needing support in her decisions.
Good advice, Tina. Thank you for it.