Once upon a time there was a little boy named Oscy McGee. Oscy thought his parents were geeks. He didn’t want to think that — but there it was.
“Hey, Os!” said his dad, nudging him. “What say you and I go down to the roller skating rink, and watch the babes strappin’ on their skates? Huh? Huh? Whadda’ya say, big guy?”
“Gee, Dad,” said Oscy, “do you really think that’s an appropriate thing to be asking your eight-year-old son?”
“Oh, Oscy,” said Oscy’s mom, Fatima, setting down some delicious baked goods on the dining room table. “Don’t be such a stick in the mud. Here. Cram a cupcake down your face.”
“But, Mom,” said Oscy. “Mmmmpphhrumph.”
One Sunday morning Oscy woke up in his completely-decorated-in-houndstooth bedroom, and heard a voice inside his saying, Oscy, if you spend one more night in this house, you’re going to go insane. Go live in the tree house in your backyard.”
“Wow,” thought Oscy, “I knew I should have made Dad build a much better floor in that tree house. Oh, well. I’m outta here.”
At the family breakfast table that morning, Oscy said, “Mom, Dad, sorry, but it looks like I’ll be moving outside into the tree house to live.”
“What?” said Oscy’s mom, plopping a giant scoop of oatmeal into the bowl of Oscy’s dad. “I didn’t hear you, dear.”
“I said I’m gonna be moving out of the house to go live in the tree house in the backyard, Mom.”
“What?” his mom repeated. “How’s that again?” Her hearing was fine, though.
“Say, son,” said Oscy’s dad, “that’s a terrific idea! The tree house! You can live in the tree house! It’s outside! The tree house is outside! If you move out there, that’s where you’ll be! Yep! Pass the sugar and those little fried things, will ya’, Fatty?” (That was his nickname for his wife.)
It didn’t take Oscy long to pack: a pair of shoes, a navy blue bandana or two, a box of delicious Juicy Fruit gum.
“Well, bye, Mom,” he said.
“See ya’ around, Dad.”
“Adios, son,” said his dad. “And listen: If ya’ ever get into any trouble or anything, you’re gonna need your old man to bail ya’ out, aren’t ya?”
Oscy’s dad put his arm around his shoulder. “Aren’t ya’, boy?” he said, squeezing.
He squeezed harder. “Aren’t ya?”
His dad released Oscy. “And don’t you forget it, either, ya’ little knucklehead.”
“I won’t, Dad. Good-bye, now.”
Oscy loved living in the tree house among the branches, leaves, birds, and ants, whose regimental approach to life gave him much to consider. At night, he would crawl under a stack of old blankets and look up through the leaves at the stars. When he slept, he usually dreamed he was a giant ice man living in a crystal palace in the side of a huge mountain in the North Pole. Whenever Giant Ice Oscy wanted something, he had merely to point and will it, and it was done.
Early one Saturday morning, while lying on his back in his tree house watching a finch flittering through in the braches above, Oscy heard the front door of his ex-house slam shut. He rolled onto his stomach to look out over the edge of his tree house. He saw his father walking from the house to the garage. Dressed in his “weekend grubbies,” as he called them, his dad was clearly planning to do some yard work. He hauled open the garage door, and began gathering the tools for the job: hedge clippers, power mower, electric grass trimmer, branch pulverizer. He set them all on the driveway.
Then he stood with his hands on his hips, contentedly surveying the grounds around him. “Yep,” he said. “Yard work. That’ll do ‘er.”
The problem, though, was that there wasn’t any yard to work on at all. Except for Oscy’s tree, the entire McGee “yard” consisted of cement spray-painted green.
Which had much to do with why the McGee yard care equipment was in such pristine condition.
“Yep,” said Oscy’s dad again. “Time to trim the ol’ yard up.” He rocked back on his heels, happy to think of getting some of that good soil under his nails, of shaping and perfecting the yard around his house. He never moved from that spot, though. He just stood there, rocking back and forth, patting his stomach and saying, “Yep. Yard work. That’ll do ‘er.”
Oscy wiggled a little closer to the edge of the tree house. He thought he might call out something, like, “Hey, Dad! It’s me! Oscy! I’m still out here! Remember how I moved out here to live and everything? Remember that?”
He tried to say that, or something like it. But when he opened his mouth, the only thing that came out was a weird little wheezing noise. Nothing. Still, though, his father cocked an ear, as if he’d actually heard something.
“What?” he said, peering off into the distance. “How’s that now?”
Oscy tried once more to say something, but he knew it would be useless; like his mother, his father sometimes just couldn’t hear him. He slowly rolled onto his back again, and rested his clasped hands upon his chest. The rapid flickering of the sunlight through the leaves made him feel like he was in a silent movie, one of those really old ones where everyone is supposed to be so funny.